oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
