so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
