so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
