its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
