I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
