Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
