he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Randomize
