I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
