Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
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