remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
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