You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
