i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
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