I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
...so i touched it.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
