I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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