Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
