true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
