how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I didn't notice because vodka
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
