Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
