I wish I only lived at night.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
