I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
