you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
