Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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