The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
