bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
