I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
