We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
