Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Randomize
