I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize