I have demons in me.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
