I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
last night I used snow as a chaser
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
