hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
