Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
