When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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