sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
