I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
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