Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
