So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
We're too hungover to prance.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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