i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
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