Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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