I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
