I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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