Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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