I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
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