I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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