At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
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