The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I FOUND THE LEGS
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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