Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
