thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Randomize
