At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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