Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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