yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
