i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize