note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
