Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize