Where did you get a picture of my penis
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
