So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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