I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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