Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize