awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
