I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
