I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
