There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Randomize