Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
