Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
