i'm watching degrassi (go figure) and the episode is about jimmy not being able to get a boner and now he's famous and rapping about popping pussies..i dont get it.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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