i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I need a burrito and a hug.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
