I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
