True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
